Pentacular

It’s 3 a.m. and I have tried all the usual things in the usual order to induce sleep: 1. passionate and amazing moments with passionate and amazing spouse 2. read boring book 3. surf facebook 4. watch hours of youtube videos.  Still I feel no compulsion to crawl back into bed.

They say insomnia is a temporary thing.  Avoid caffeine, keep to a routine.  Still I am awake and realizing that I’m not avoiding sleep, I’m avoiding life.  I’m avoiding life by obsessing over it.  I think over and over about how to make it better, instead of accepting what is and what will never be.  This too shall pass.  I know this.  Unfortunately it usually passes about 30 minutes before I am suppose to be awake and ready to start my day.

(Source: pentacular)

I’ve had this interesting awakening of late that I don’t want to sleep through life.  The only problem is, I think my body is taking that a little too seriously and I find myself awake at odd hours of the night.  Unable to force myself back into slumber I wake to accomplish goals that are weighing heavily on my mind…like I wonder if anyone has commented on my facebook page lately. 

Actually they say the worse thing you can do when you have problems sleeping is get on the computer, something about the specific type of light from the screen that wakes you up more, nevertheless it is my realization that a large portion of my daily activities occur on a computer.  Writing my latest book, organizing photos for organizations I work with, sending quick messages, reading up on the latest news events, paying bills. Last summer I even gave up both my t.v. and my phone service when I realized I could use my computer in both those capacities. 

The only thing that concerns me is that I fear I might be using my computer as another way to sleep walk through life.  Rather than hanging out with friends, I simply chat with them via Facebook.  Rather than going down to my local grocery store to pick up a newspaper I stay at home and read up on the latest via the internet.  I find myself withdrawing more and more into a small nest I have created on my couch, my lap top in front of me being my entire virtual world. 

I can’t help but wonder is this even a part of my sleeplessness? Is my body craving a human connection that I’m not getting enough of in my daily life?  Is this why I search for companionship in the middle of the night like a midnight munchie?

Lately  I even find myself struggling to hold verbal conversations, feeling like I am so much wittier and interesting sounding in print than in person. Realizing that it is far more effort to sustain a twenty minute conversation where I have to stay focused on another person in real time than a message based relationship in small sound bites. 

I’m not sure I have an answer for my dilemma, but then again the most important part of the journey to wakefulness may not be finding the answers, but rather beginning the process of knowing the right questions to ask. 

(Source: pentacular)