Pentacular

Minor Character

Tue, 14 May 2013 23:10:15 -0400

I assume that in the stories of our lives we are all major characters, but sometimes I admit I would rather be a minor character in my life. I’d like to be able to fade into the background so much that no one notices me so I can live my life without the distraction of having to actually live it.

The Discovery

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 10:00:26 -0500

He looked happy, even, complete. He looked bored, tired, despondent. Spying from behind my curtain, I discovered who he really was. He wasn’t so different after all and my resentment started to fade.

Hard lessons.

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 18:55:00 -0500

I remember when we first met. I liked you immediately, I liked your name. You gave me a present. Our friendship was bumpy nonetheless. I remember saying such mean things sometimes and being so angry with you. Things got better. I remember one day being so upset about how much time I was spending on work. You told me to take time for myself because I could work myself to death and people would step over my body to meet the new teacher and within a month I would be forgotten.

I remember when you got your new job. You made a lot of mistakes and made a lot of people mad. You got better though. People learned to respect you. I told you I felt like you had not only grown into the position but were ready for more. I remember how you came to my class and played a game with my students on the first day of school. You were happy and busy, trying to get so much done but also be connected to the kids. The next day you had a stroke. I bet you never dreamed you would be spending your 40th birthday in a rehab center after months of being in the hospital. I think about you when I wonder what I should be doing with my life. I think about people going quietly on with their busy lives rarely looking at your empty office. I wonder if I will take to heart the lesson you have tried to teach me.

Tiptoeing past the elephant.

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 18:36:49 -0500

My husband is ticked because he read my private journal and didn’t like what he read. Neither of us mentions the indiscretion.

Peacock

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 10:00:35 -0500

She looked in the mirror. She was proud of what she saw. Young, beautiful, and kind. She smiled as she hugged the little girl standing below her.

If I were a fish...

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 18:24:38 -0500

If I were a fish I would be a super small gold fish, one that swims with not much conviction in a tank full of other small gold fish. I would be the one hoping that you would come along and choose me but rather clear that it would be o.k. if I ended up floating to the top. Sometimes a life is just like that.

Your Truth.

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 18:21:43 -0500

I read an article about your life. They are making a movie about you. About the research you did and how convinced you are of a truth so real to you. I read about your truth. I think it is a lie. You spent a lot of time discovering it, this makes me wonder about the time I waste on my own truths.

Unable To Hide

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 18:18:26 -0500

I’ve always heard that the best place to hide something is right out in the open where it isn’t expected. I guess that was one of the things I was thinking when I created this blog. A place to record my thoughts not really anonymously but not really advertised. Just a non-assuming little blog. I wanted to know if I started writing if people would follow me because they enjoyed my writing style not because they know me as a person, but then I forgot my password, or I got busy, or I didn’t feel like revealing any deep or shallow thoughts I might be having. My 10 followers must have been so disappointed.

New years always bring the desire to be our best, to begin again, to explore paths undiscovered or re-discovered. So it is with this blog. I remembered the password, I opened myself to a need for a place to unload, to develop quietly, to admit to myself that I miss writing and I want to try again. So here I am. Unable to hide my desires I quietly begin to search for them again.

When the time is right.

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 22:41:57 -0500

There is an easy answer. I’m just not ready for it yet. I have too much to do in the meantime. My life is anchored deep, but each day I wiggle it free just slightly. One day I will be ready, and then I will sail away with a smile on my face.

Estroven

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:37:45 -0500

I have friends of a certain age that do not take Estroven. None of them have murdered their husbands yet. I’m sure the call will come any day now. I can hear the judge now, “You should have had an Estroven.”

the app I need

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:22:46 -0500

I need an app that instantly downloads my thoughts onto the page without requiring me to think and type it out. I need this because my goldfish like mind has already moved on to new thoughts before I can finish a…

I wonder what I should have for supper?

Oh yeah, that new app…I need this app to have an editing button so it automatically takes out anything that would be offensive or stupid so my thoughts are as clear, intelligent, and hopeful as I think they are after I spend 30 minutes editing them to be. Come to think of it…I need this app to work on my tongue also.

I wonder where I could find an app making genius to whip this up for me?

Lies

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:12:55 -0500

I feel like I lie more often than I mean to. The soup is good, no I don’t mind, it could be worse, I don’t want any, I’ll be fine, thanks so much, I had a great time. Lies that drip from my tongue like honey that is meant to sweeten the bitterness of life. Lies that make me feel like a hollow chocolate Easter bunny left behind on the discount shelf of the local dollar store.

Tumbling

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:04:00 -0500

My life tumbles around. Work, home, friends, clean, read, drive. Tumbles over and over like an endless load of laundry waiting for the buzzer to sound.

Best moments

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 21:43:46 -0400

I left late, pausing at the cart of the janitor to leave a Snickers bar as a happy. I got in my car and drove off, ready for the weekend. Meandering down the street I looked to my right just in time to see a solid white squirrel scamper up a tree with two brown squirrel friends. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a white squirrel in my town before. The best moments of life are always so unexpected.

3 a.m.

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 04:23:45 -0400

It’s 3 a.m. and I have tried all the usual things in the usual order to induce sleep: 1. passionate and amazing moments with passionate and amazing spouse 2. read boring book 3. surf facebook 4. watch hours of youtube videos. Still I feel no compulsion to crawl back into bed.

They say insomnia is a temporary thing. Avoid caffeine, keep to a routine. Still I am awake and realizing that I’m not avoiding sleep, I’m avoiding life. I’m avoiding life by obsessing over it. I think over and over about how to make it better, instead of accepting what is and what will never be. This too shall pass. I know this. Unfortunately it usually passes about 30 minutes before I am suppose to be awake and ready to start my day.

Oh, hey...

Sat, 16 Jul 2011 09:54:00 -0400

“Oh, hey, there is something I want to share with you.”

This is the thought that runs through my head. Then I become annoyed with myself. Just because you inspire me so much doesn’t mean you really have to, or even want to, know everything I’m thinking.

I don’t even understand why you inspire me. I find it inconvenient. You are not really even a part of my life and I’ve had so many people that are a part of my life that have had to leave. Why in the world would I want to invite someone in that I really have no connection to?

That being said…I bet you would really like this link…

The Secret

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 22:53:00 -0400

“You are writing an erotic blog?” She squealed with delight.

“No. That’s not what I said, I said I was writing a secret blog. It isn’t erotic at all, it is just random stuff that doesn’t seem to fit anywhere else so I put it on this blog that I haven’t told anyone but you and one other person about. You know stuff that I want to keep track of but I don’t want to have to polish and present in any certain manner.”

“Oh.”

I couldn’t help feeling that I had completely disappointed her.

Looking up at the monitor I was surprised by the woman looking back at me. She looked slender and...

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 23:23:00 -0400

Looking up at the monitor I was surprised by the woman looking back at me. She looked slender and happy. Without thinking I voiced my thoughts. “I like your monitor, it makes me look thin.”

The pizza man behind the counter looked up and with a confused voice replied, “But you are thin.”

Three months later I still think about that moment.

Mom

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 10:33:20 -0400

“Don’t hold on so tight.”

That is what I wanted to tell her. Lost in her memories of yesterday and terrified to let go because she is fearful of the future she hoards every last memento of their life together. He has been gone for two years, but to her it was yesterday when he last stroked her cheek and smiled at her. She had lived in fear of the day he would leave this world and then suddenly without warning, her fear was realized. Now she walks through the world as if she were the one not living.

“Let go!” I want to scream at her, because I know deep in my heart that if she doesn’t, I will lose her too. My heart cries because part of me already knows she is half way out the door.

Truth

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 23:40:00 -0400

If I looked at you and you looked at me…what would we really see? Would we see truth or only our own versions of it? Everyone is biased you always say. Luckily my bias about you is positive.